The Real Season Preview

by Geoff Hinklicky

You may not know who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself. I am Geoff Hinlicky, the world’s biggest fan of Q League Team “That Just Happened” and am lucky to be able to cover the Q League as a full-time columnist. You may be wondering, how is it possible to be a huge fan, since That Just Happened is a brand new, expansion franchise in the Q League? Two years ago, That Just Happened, was a leader in the “Lazy-Boy Legends” League playing under the team name of “Rockford Symbol.” After departing that league on good terms after the ’06 season and shopping around for a new league home, That Just Happened just happened on the Q League.

With that introduction taken care of, I am proud to present my Q League Preview. (While Fran McJiggel gave his own “Season Preview” in his typical, Ron Bergundy wanna-be newsman objective style, my preview (and all other articles I write) will be written solely based on my expert opinion and more than likely bent toward giving favorable coverage to That Just Happened, although I don’t front and will call them out for any bad personnel moves they make.) I am now going to break down the Q, team-by-team, in the order they are currently at in the standings right now.

TEAM DUD:
Yeah, they had a good week 1, leading all Q teams in scoring. Turner the Burner showed the country what everyone in Dekalb, IL at his alma mater NIU already knew…that he is A-MAY-ZING (Kelly from the Office voice)! But this team has some definite flaws. Flaw #1 – Frank Gore, the Burner, Roddy White and Derek Anderson are all on bad teams. You can’t expect huge numbers from guys on bad teams. This is especially problematic for Gore and Burner. I predict many 2nd half deficits, thus forcing the coach to play from behind, pass the ball, and completely abandon the running game. Flaw #2 – DUD has all his eggs in one basket! If TO scores…Witten isn’t scoring. If Witten scores, Folk is not kicking a field goal. If Burner scores, Roddy White isn’t scoring…You get the point. Diversification is a must if this team wants to go deep in the Q postseason.

TEAM 10:
Bad team name. “I don’t like it, I don’t like it one bit.” This team looks pretty good…Until McNabb gets hurt. And then Larry Johnson. And then Reggie Bush knocks up Kim Kardashian and gets all stressed about the amount of baby-mama money he’s gonna have to dish out and then he forgets that he is playing football and stops producing. Then you have to rely on your wide receivers, and Hines Ward hasn’t done anything productive since he made that special on how he is half-Korean and it was so special for him to go to Korea after winning the Super Bowl. Kudos, though, to the D/Sp. Teams. But other than that…eh, tough break!

I HEART BECKHAM:
For starters, see DUD. Too much “GB” in this starting lineup. Best running back corps, however. Very weak at TE, and I’m not sure Mr. Brees can be money all season. I find one big problem with this team. It’s just too homo-erotic. Apparently, the owner is named “Lukas,” yet the team name is fashioned around a male sex symbol, with a sexy picture of him as the logo. Not there’s anything wrong with that, but I just don’t dig all that guy-love, right Brownbear?

EL KUJO:
I’m not excited about this team. This one will be quick. Manning = officially on the downside of his career (can’t even beat the Bears on week 1 and is on an aging team). Portis = old. Jones = old (Jets will resort to pass attack when Favre gets more comfortable w/the offense). Johnson = rookie (and Lendale White is the bigger goal-line back who will get scoring opportunities, so CJ is only getting a tuddy if he breaks one from 15 yards or more). Holt = old. Fitzgerald = #2 to Bolden. Winslow = bad apple – a cancer in the locker room (would be better off running with Donald Lee). Steelers D = I like it. Phil Dawson = he has two problems…he plays for the Browns and his name sounds more like a game-show host as opposed to an NFL kicker. But I mean other than that, this is a great team (rolling my eyes right now….). Don’t expect Kujo to make any appearances in the post season.

TEAM GLN:
This team is solid….But not without flaws. GLN is going to have the opposite problem as DUD. Big Ben is often going to have 2nd half leads, and thus the passing attack will suffer, and Willie Parker and I Heart Beckham will reap all those benefits. Barber is on a team with too many offensive weapons. Wes Welker doesn’t have a QB anymore…his numbers will go WAY down. Having already said the team looks solid, I just don’t have a good feeling about them. Something is going to happen, and this team is going to be standing in the rain wondering “Why?” – kinda how Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt felt at the end of Cast Away.

TEAM THUTMOSE:
My favorite team so far. Best 1-2 punch with Romo and A.P. If Marvin Harrison can hook up with the Ponce De Leon and find the Fountain of Youth (and by Ponce De Leon, I mean Jose Canseco or Roger Clemens or Barry Bonds or anyone from BALCO and by the Fountain of Youth, I mean steroids or HGH) and resurrect his career and Ocho Cinco can get out of his funk, his receiving corps will be straight $$$$. Jacobs is a big, feature back who will get goal-line touches in NY, and Coles will benefit greatly from Favre. Best TE in Gates, solid at D w/Chicago. With the exception of Driver, the bench is pretty skimpy. If this team could add a little depth, look for them to possibly take home the Q Cup.

TEAM BENNETT:
Could the owner be any more vain? Who names his team after himself? That’s like somebody naming a college after himself (see Bob Jones University and/or Hyles-Anderson College)…Aside from the name problems, this team isn’t too bad…except for Hasselbeck is going into a downward slide, Graham isn’t very good, Colts D couldn’t stop rookie Bear Matt Forte, and Josh Brown is unproven at the kicker slot. But the WRs are solid and LT is the best. How did expansion team Bennett land LT in a keeper league? Something seems fishy here. I think Bob Lee needs to do an “Outside the Lines” special to see how LT is available to an expansion franchise in a keeper league. Unbelievable.
THAT JUST HAPPENED:
I’m excited about this year for us. (I usually hate when fans consider themselves part of the team and use pronouns to somehow force themselves into ownership/active roster/active participant status, but I’m making an exception for this year’s team. I am a part of it, and I think we’ll have a great year.) Aaron Rodgers at QB. I am very excited and very nervous about this. I actually haven’t been this nervous/excited about something this big since Kelly on Saved by the Bell got that shot at a modeling gig in Paris. Let me explain, I was very excited for Kelly to get the opportunity of a lifetime to do her dream modeling gig…In Paris! But at the same time, I was nervous she would somehow replace Zach with a new Frenchie and thus end the Morris-Kapowski connection. That’s how I feel about Rodgers; I’m excited for him and know he can do well, but nervous that somehow what used to be perfect will no longer exist… Solid at RB with Jackson, James, Morris and Jones. The ownership should be able to switch up RBs depending on how favorable the matchups look each week. The WR corps is a little sketchy, but DeSean Jackson could be a very valuable sleeper later in the season. Tony Gonzalez is great, and Gostkowski may get cut soon if the Pats offense sputters without Brady. I also heard from a reliable source close to the organization that That Just Happened is going to switch D/Sp. Teams on a weekly basis, looking for favorable matchups in the waiver wire. Risky strategy, but could pay extra dividends. Front office savvy will take this team far, and they will be in contention at the end of the season.

THE TORNADOES
This team has more holes than the Titanic. Losing Brady was tough, but to follow it up by replacing him with Brady’s actual replacement? Foolishness. This team could have found a solid veteran somewhere on the waiver wire…Or maybe just looked at their own bench and Mr. Kitna. Now that Brady is out, Maroney’s numbers will drop, and those already declining numbers will go down even more as Sammy Morris emerges as the feature back in NE (chalk one up for That Just Happened). Wayne and Who’s Your Daddy are solid WRs and will give good production all year (assuming Carson Palmer finds himself). Shockey doesn’t score enough. Dwayne Bowe…haha. You’re joking right? Quit foolin’. Dwayne Bowe? Take that man out the starting lineup! I can’t believe Darren McFadden is on the pine pony. Put that man in the lineup. He’s worth rolling the dice for. I don’t see a championship in this team’s near future…

TEAM TECMO BOWL
Second best name in the league (after That Just Happened). After a dismal Week 1, things can only go up from here. If Favre of ’07 continues to play instead of Favre of ’06, TTB will be set at QB. Moss’ production will decline in Brady’s absence. MJD and Felix Jones are both backs splitting time, so don’t look for domination from either of them. TTB is solid on D and in the kicking game, but that will only take you so far. Despite all of TTB’s flaws, I have a funny feeling about them and think they might be alright. TTB is kinda like getting a new Tupac album. You pretty much know it’s gonna be good, but you also know something is weird about that because he is dead and shouldn’t be producing any more albums. Not that this team is dead, but something is weird about them…

In conclusion, I will list my projections for season standings.
1: Team Thutmose.
2: That Just Happened.
3: Team GLN.
4: Team Bennett.
5: Team DUD.
6: I Heart Beckham.
7: Team Tecmo Bowl.
8: Team 10.
9: El Kujo.
10: The Tornadoes.

See you next week